Why Does Everyone Think I’m Doing Great, But i Feel Like I’m Drowning?
Ouuf - let’s just hold that for a minute.
You’re there with your baby, haven’t washed (what’s left of) your hair in days, bouncing, rocking, soothing, figuring out how to feed her/him/them, maybe they’re not even hungry(?), it’s the middle of the night (probably) and they’re so so gassy and wiggly, and showing zero signs of sleeping soon, you’re wondering when it’s your turn to sleep, maybe your partner is back at work, so you’re already queuing up what to cook for dinner, oh and you should probably not accidentally skip lunch today, and have more than a single sip of water for breakfast, and no, coffee doesn’t count… and all you hear from your friends is that you’re “doing great,” “you got this,” “hang in there,” but you feel OVERWHELMED.
This postpartum vibe is so real.
At the time of this writing I’m 5.5 months postpartum with my first. I get it. Let’s talk about why this is happening:
Our friends love us and want us to be happy. Maybe that’s not what you wanted to hear, but genuine encouragement is the glue that holds our village together. I hear you that the “you’re doing great” sentiment is probably the very least a person could offer (like, idk, can you bring me a sandwich or something?) but I really do believe that people mean what they say when they say it. And, relationally, let’s be honest, it does feel better to hear “you’re doing great” than “wow damn girl you’re falling apart,” even if it’s true. It’s not malicious, I promise, our friends love us. Holding it together when you’re falling apart is doing great… which brings up my next point:
Two things can be true at once. One of the most used phrases in therapy, an oldie but a goodie. You can be doing great and hanging on by a thread. Seems a bit counterintuitive, I know, but stay with me. Sometimes just getting by is the task, sometimes surviving is all you need to do, sometimes doing nothing is the intervention. In one hand you hold: “I’m barely holding it together” and in the other you hold “that’s all I need to do right now” and you might find some ease.
You’re conditioned to over-function. This comes down to a productivity thing, and perhaps an over-functioning thing. Capitalism, am I right? We’re not used to “doing nothing”. Doing nothing!? Uhm, you’re taking care of a freaking baby, a fleshy, slimy, poopy, surprisingly demanding tiny dictator who is unclear in expressing their wants and needs. That’s hard, and you don’t get to clock out. It’s helpful to recalibrate what is truly expected of you during this season. Perhaps there’s some wiggle room.
If this resonates, therapy might help you untangle it.
Stay brave,
SJF
